Surgery, slime and virgin’s blood – how far would you go to look young?

Halloween approaches and it may be time to succumb to those vampire urges as young blood could reverse some of the effects of ageing.

Face slimmer – anyone fancy a go?

According to a scientific study by Stanford University in the US, that featured recently in The Guardian older mice injected with the blood of young mice had improved learning and memory skills. So maybe this isn’t quite wrinkles and saggy boobs but, after a certain age, we all want as much help as we can get.

This is very reminiscent of the Hammer Horror film Countess Dracula when the leading lady bathes in the blood of young virgins in order to stay young and beautiful and recent beauty trends would suggest this is not as crazy an idea as it first appears.

As it is a while before we are able to steal babies’ blood in the name of beauty, I have sourced a few other equally gross and unpleasant ways to hold onto the last strands of your youth:

Botox – It’s a poison that occurs naturally in rotting meat and while it does have the bonus (if you think of it like that) of paralysing your facial muscles so you look like you are permanently surprised and so shiny you could be made of wax, it can also go wrong and leave you with a drooping melted face like a zombie.

Face slimmer – More like an instrument of torture than a beauty tool, the face slimmer mouth piece from Japan makes you look like a cross between Pete Burns and a blow up doll and promises to prevent a saggy face if you wear it and perform a series of ridiculous exercises every day. (see pic above)

Snail slime – The extract of a snail trail in a jar is supposed to be the next miracle product and can reverse the effects of ageing, clear up spots and probably negotiate world peace if you believe what you read on the jar.

Bee stings – A bee venom facial can apparently restore collagen and improve UV damage. I wonder who had to be stung in the face to find this out? It is supposed to be a natural alternative to Botox with a pleasant tingle rather than a shooting pain.

Bird Poop facial – Sorry this isn’t a joke but a spa in New York is rubbing imported Japanese nightingale poo into client’s faces as a face mask. the poo is disinfected with UV ( don’t know how they deal with the smell) and makes skin soft and glowing apparently.

Lovely Placenta Shampoo. You can buy it on Amazon.

Placenta Shampoo – An afterbirth conditioning treatment made with enzymes from animal placentas, that repairs split ends and leaves hair shiny and bouncy. This is the closest beauty treatment I could find to eating babies.

Sperm – Sperm contains spermine which contains lots of  anti-oxidants and can clear up acne. If you’re not already a porn star and are that bothered about having spots and wrinkles then you can pay an expensive spa lots of money to rub a  synthetic version on your face.

I don’t want to sound dismissive, I’m sure all these things work brilliantly and I love a good facial or miracle cream as much as the next person. I just can’t imagine ever thinking I was looking so old and wrinkly that I need to have synthetic sperm or bird crap rubbed on my face. Good luck to anyone who does and I hope the results are fantastic for you. I shall settle for a boring anti wrinkle cream and wait until I can eat babies mwahahaha…


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